


Screentime for the TARDIS

by GettingMetaphysical



Series: All by Myself: A Doctorcest Storyline [13]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Banter, Character Study, Doctorcest, Fluff, Happy Sex, Humor, Introspection, M/M, Multi, Pervert!TARDIS, Romance, Self-cest, Time Travel, doctorbation - Freeform, if that isn't a tag I am disappoint in this fandom :P
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 12:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3209570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GettingMetaphysical/pseuds/GettingMetaphysical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During his 200 years of fleeing his destiny, the Eleventh Doctor is ticking off a list of thing to do before the fixed point of death. In her usual caring but mischievous ways, the TARDIS convinces him of where - and to whom - to go next</p>
            </blockquote>





	Screentime for the TARDIS

**Author's Note:**

> Scandalous fun, but with some plot thrown in for kicks! Neat!
> 
> * * *

  
The TARDIS tumbled through the Vortex, as it had been for many hours and just a few minutes. The Eleventh Doctor fetched a particular sheet of paper from a nearby table, and pulled out a pen from behind his ear. He jerked back at the sight of it.

 ”Woops, nicked that off of Two, didn’t I?” said the Doctor, scratching his chin with the tip.  

The TARDIS engines made a noise like a record scratch.   

”It’s fiiine, old girl, I didn’t miss that pen anyway! Admit it, you think it’s cozy to sit next to yourself while Zoe and Jamie got to run around for a bit with me and myself. Kind of a pleasant headache, y’know what I mean.”

The engines rumbled ambiguously.  

One of the large screens surrounding the core pillar unhooked itself from its support, and the mechanical arm at its back extended down towards the pilot, not unlike the head of a very cuddly snake. The waking screen blinked, and up popped a mirror-like video clip of the Doctor, saying;

” _So, where to next?_ ” 

”Ah, yes, I have the sweetest idea!” the lone Time Lord answered his ship, unfazed. He paraphrased from the paper, or rather the list, in his hand, theatrically ticking points off. ”So! We’ve visited Two’s gang again. I’ve taken Three along for a flight, and had a drink with the Brigadier… Tutored Rose, gave that potion-thingamabob to Four and the palouda-seedling to Peri and Five… Dropped Ace and Seven some exploding crystals for experimentation - still can’t believe that peddler was me, I mean…”

” _Get on with it!_ ” a different shot of him groaned. 

”Right, my idea. Well, I was thinking," he scribbled a new point, ”wouldn’t it be nice to go shopping for clothes with Six? I had such unique style back then… Pity my old coat’s too large.” He sighed, and glanced at the paper. Then, he snatched it up close to his face.   

_Go shopping with my Sixth self, then finish the date in the king-sized bed_   

The Doctor frowned, crossed out the sentence, and wrote anew:

_Go find Six and make sweet love_

Scratched that out, wrote:

_Find Sixie, tap that_  

The Eleventh Doctor slowly lowered the paper to reveal narrowed eyes and a mouth scrunched with disapproval. A couple of screens joined the first like a spectator crowd.  

The engines rattled with amusement. 

Note to self; don’t leave the list where the TARDIS could easily make a psychic copy of it. 

”How many times will I have to tell you, I do NOT have a crush on myself!” The Time Lord cried, slamming the paper down on the flight seat and waving the pen around like a drunk with a sword. He aimed it at the core pillar, then at the middle screen, who tilted innocently. ”It’s not like that at all!” 

” _I do NOT have a CRUSH on myself!_ ” his young Fourth face roared right back at him from the same screen, drawling baritone making the whole room tremble. 

” _I simply do not have an… an infatuation with myself._ ” His Fifth self paced by on the screen to the right, shaking his head as if he took pity on the ship, cheeks clearly flushed. 

” _I’m not going back to him, just for your information. He’s a complete fool, that one._ ” Yet on the screen to the left, his Second self did a little spin, skipping around the control room. Very fool-like. 

”…You know what I mean, you bugging bug of a bugger. Like I’m just some scheming wanker. Quit mocking me.”  

” _Hmph! Quit mocking me._ ” His First face cast him an icy glance from the middle screen. 

”…Do you have a clip for everything?” 

” _Yes!_ ” His bouncy current face replaced the First.  

The Doctor smacked himself in the forehead and raised the pen, but before he could get a word out, the right-hand screen interrupted with: 

” _-naturally, these sodding surveillance cameras. Can’t keep anything private._ ” His Third self gave the lens a poke. 

”You’ve got that right. Let’s say we uninstall them," he chirped, acid in his smile. 

” _-ah, but the memories. It helps to keep the records, I always said_ ," said his Tenth self to the left, sipping tea in front of a fire. 

The Doctor threw his arms up. ”Yes, yes. You’re right. Sorry.” 

” _Perhaps it would be of interest to visit myself again. They’re nitwits, but of the fun sort..._ ” A not-so-icy One mused from the middle. 

”Could be, could be…” 

” _But you were planning on other things, weren’t you. Naughty boy”_ , chuckled a Four to the right, with his bare back to the camera. The Doctor shut that screen off. 

”…Much as I’d like to, I don’t know if I did. It’s a nice idea, fabulous really, but I’ve no clue why I might’ve wiped it. If it did happen.” He glared at the middle One. ”Which I can’t remember.” 

” _I see your problem._ ” On the left, Three examined a sparkling prisma. ” _But you must admit that science frightfully often declares; ’let’s rush in and see what happens’. I quite live by that, myself._ ” 

”Please! I can’t just go back and, and…” The Time Lord looked around as if checking there were no children - or rather, close-minded species - around, ”fuck him," he finished, in a whisper. ”I mean, obviously all of me has to consent to it, and I don’t even recall this face doing those kinds of things most of the time - I’m the eldest, far too far into the future, positively radiating spoilers! How do I go into such a situation with no memory in mind? It’s predatory and bloody mean if an unaware future me won’t tell me their motives. I’ve got the most responsibility.” 

From a lower screen, Two gave him a look like a lost puppy, before sighing and walking away. 

The Time Lord straightened himself. ”I am to be hidden. Like everyone after Eight. We have to be safe.” 

” _We have to be safe_ ," four different shots of his Eighth self concurred. One of them had his hair cut short. The Doctor turned away from all the controls, so that the self with the Northern accent only reached him by ear. 

” _You’re still running. And not in the good way._ ” 

”Oh, great," the lone Time Lord snarled back. ”Rub it in, why don’t you. I deserve a few centuries of me-time, I should think…”  

” _Will I see me again?_ ” His Ninth voice came from a completely different recording. His current face tried not looking at the screen for fear of seeing who else was on there.  

”I can’t.” The pen dropped to his side. ”Not until Ten finds me, anyway.”   
He dragged himself back to the flight seat. Sat looking at the floor, stroking a piece of the control board.  

” _They’re all so soft, in a way._ ” Scottish accent… his Seventh voice, from a screen further away. ” _It’s hard to describe it, old girl. Their - my hearts soften from the contact, somehow. I’m sure my future will be head over necks, no, actually, heels? About it. It only gets worse with age._ ”  

”Aaaah. Nostalgia, pure nostalgia," the Doctor called out, leaning back as he did so. The TARDIS took the opportunity to aim another screen directly at him. Three’s face, beaming at someone behind the camera.  

” _That’s what all of me say. It’s sweet… but somewhat childish, Doctor._ ” 

At that, he just sighed. 

Another clip. A sad, comforting tone to match Eight’s profile. 

” _Sweethearts…_ ” 

”It’s not your fault, old girl, promise.” The oldest Doctor reached up to pet the side of the screen. It let him for a moment, before craning back and nesting amongst the others. He listened to the mechanical arms churning in the stillness. 

The next time he spoke, he did it as if practicing a speech. ”I’m just a strange Time Lord. An astonishingly strange, lonely Time Lord.” 

” _…and that means, I take it upon myself to make the best of it._ ”  

That voice made him jump and look up, to find the curly blond him staring into the camera, determined. Then a different shot, same Sixth face. ” _If that is what I remember…_ ” 

”Yes, exactly," the Doctor argued. ”Like I said, even if I wish really hard, I can’t even remember ’getting with’ _that damned buccaneer_ , so how am I supposed to kno-” 

_WOOSH!_  

The Doctor catapulted into sitting up, but rocked back again, clutching his head. His eyes grew so large, an onlooker might have thought he was trying to force them out of his skull. And then they shut tight - relishing? Relishing, in what?

It came rushing back, new things and feelings and fun and hold on… no no no, _old_ things! Oh, the longing, touches, hours that forgot everything but what was inside of them, and like so many times before, it’s an overload. Such splendid, burning beauty, and silly, silly _Doctor_ …

~*~*~*~

_”…yes," the older man gasped, hands still digging around in his curls, nails scraping his scalp, sending shivers down his back… ”The password will be ’that damned buccaneer’.”_

_The Doctor wiped his mouth again and rested his head against his thigh._

_”Ah, I… I suppose I’ve been activated with worse. Oof.” While his knees screamed with staleness, he got back up onto the bed. The other man’s arms carefully wrapped around him - contradicting their previous behavior. ”I must inquire as to why you aren’t meaning to keep the faintest bit. Eleven?”_

_”Damned if I know. Maybe I’d be too tempted to go back early.”_

_The Doctor smirked. His Eleventh self held him a bit tighter._

~*~*~*~

The Time Lord found his current body on the floor. He had slid down with his back against the seat, chest still heaving. His hair was a sweaty mess.

While he was still recovering from the sensations coming back with full force and then settling as a distant, distant reminiscing (probably whistling, pretending it’d been there all this time, the cheeky bugger), one screen sunk to greet him with an Eight smiling like a kid in a candy shop. Which might’ve been an odd description for someone naked.

” _Hello, Doctor. Something in here tells me that I should tell me to do it. Do it, do it, do it! Whatever that means._ ” He winked.

” _Eight, you scatterbrained vixen, get back here!_ ”

” _Coming, Four!_ ” Eight threw the camera one last dazzling smile, and then went out of the picture.

The Eleventh Doctor grimaced.  

Then he burst out laughing. 

”YOU," he pointed at the TARDIS’ core pillar, leaning on the flight seat’s edge, hiccuping, ”youuu, ohoho-hoh you. Just you know, that you weren’t the one who convinced me, pervert!” 

_Actually, I think she prefers ’voyeur’, the sexy thing._ ” Ten skipped by on the main screen, trailing a Five in specs. 

” _…that’s my loyal TARDIS for you. She administers a most exquisite talent for timing…_ ”  

The Eleventh Doctor blushed at the lingering shot of Six, who’s shirt was half-undone, who’s cravat was being pulled and tangled in between his fingers. 

”Very funny,” the Doctor croaked. ”You’re awful cocky for a spaceship, y’know.”  

” _Why deny one’s fabulous magnificence?_ ” Four boasted in Six’s place. A blue-coated Six instead sniggered from the screen moving out and below the main one. 

Scrambling to fetch the paper and get the pen off of the floor, the Doctor bent over.  

” _Oh, my_ ," One’s voice said behind him. 

”Please don’t use intimate scenes as your reaction shots.” 

” _Give me a reason not to_ ," a dark-lit clip of Seven whispered.

Holding the pen like a spire, the Doctor faced the controls. ”Stop it," he smiled. 

” _Oh, oh good Gallifrey, don’t stop!_ ” Five’s ragged cry rang from every speaker. The Doctor huffed at the core pillar, trying to be stern while ignoring the wild scene from his old bedroom. 

”Stop.” 

” _Mm, please…_ ," Eight moaned underneath it. ” _Please, I want it…_ ” 

”Please what? Oh, right.” He wrote the proper sentence onto the list. ”There. ’Go shopping with Six, and then fuck each other’s brains out’.” 

” _Tasteful_ ," Nine remarked below the video that still showed Five… and Four, and Six, and nope, ignore it, Doctor, she’s just teasing you.  

”Well that, is your fault. Now stop, please.”  

The main screen cut to Two picking up his recorder. ” _Yes, all’s well and good._ ” And he tooted out the Beatles’ ’I Am the Walrus’. 

”Mhm… ’I am he, as you are he, as you are me, and we are all together’~”  

The Doctor sang with the speakers around the room comping him; another Two played in a higher key. Along the control panel he hopped, as the room brightened with joy and as the sounds billowed through his chest like heartbeats, like light and wanderlust. 

He pointed at the screens; ”’Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess. Boy, you’ve been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down’~”  

When a pirouette literally turned into a slip, he grabbed the board for support, much like a giraffe about to plummet down a waterfall would’ve liked to do. Alas, those slim hips of his kept on swaying in place. The snippet of Four giggling and wolf-whistling was enough comment upon the spryness. 

”Y’know, Sexy, this might honestly be our strangest method of communication," he said as he began setting the coordinates, stroking the controls as he went. ”I guess I should be happy you don’t use the interface, that would almost have been as weird as having me with me. By the way, don’t you dare use the looks of my companions when we speak of these things. Sarah Jane has teased me one too many times in real life.” 

The screens slowly settled back. Ten squinted from one of them. ” _I make lots of promises, but I’m not sure I can keep this one._ ” 

”Yeah, yeah. I love you too.” 

The Doctor hummed, leaning forward, almost lying on the board as the ship took off, slow and barely shaking at first. ”You and me, old girl.” 

Pleased yet comforting, the engines whirred a bit louder. He gripped the lever that would get her out of the Vortex. 

”What do you say we forget our worries for a bit, and get metaphysical…”

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
This story archived at <http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=54512>


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